(no subject)

[caffeine_fairy]

Dear Commuters

It's been nearly a year now and I thought it might be useful to have a quick review meeting of the time we've been working together.

I'll take the bad news first - I'm afraid I've had to declare a moritorium on tutting. Eye rolling and saying "GOD!" loudly will be allowed but please be aware that I have my eye on levels and if they creep up over the next few months, I will have to introduce quotas.

Do not involve me in your conspiracy theories about why the train is late. I subscribe to the osmosis theory of intelligence and you are making me more stupid just by standing there.

Next, I understand that it's annoying when I'm standing between you and your desired platform. Ways of getting past me include tapping me on the shoulder, saying "Excuse me" (loudly enough that I can hear it, people - I can't lip read if you're behind me), walking with one hand ahead of you so I can see that you're coming (preferred), or in extreme cases gently moving me out of the way and apologizing. They do not include kicking me, whapping me with your suitcase or STICKING YOUR FUCKING CIGARETTE IN MY EAR. Thanks. If one of these should occur accidentally, a simple apology will suffice - there is no need to go on a spirited search for the truth of how my aural cavity leapt onto your cancer stick.

At all costs try not to come onto the rush hour tube with six suitcases. If you must, do not block the entrance to the stairwell with them whilst you work out whether you're at the right station. If you do, at least have the grace to be foreign. Not reading signs in your own language is inexcusable.

Do not bring a surfboard onto the tube in rush hour. Just don't.

Now, we move onto the train itself (eventually).

There is a finite amount of space on the train. Just wait for the people on it to get off. It won't take long and - tada! there will be room for you.

Quit yelling "Move down please!" in that schoolmarm voice. But, you know, MOVE THE FUCK DOWN.

I understand that people often have to eat on the way home, I've done it myself. However, please do not give your toddler something he only half likes, so that he can sit and pick out the bits he doesn't like, spread them liberally with saliva and drop them into my handbag. Kudos to the lady who apologized for spilling her drink down me and offered her rather lovely silk scarf to mop it up. No need, really, but a nice thought.

If you wait five minutes, they will know that you will be home in five minutes, because you'll be there. Quit microwaving your remaining braincell. Sheesh.

It doesn't matter how wide apart your legs are when you sit, you still have a dick the size of a peanut. Fuck off. Big kudos to the lady who started balancing her makeup on your knee, though, that was hilarious.

To the lady who sat by one of only two doors into the train, insisted on closing the door, glared daggers at everyone getting in and shoved that poor girl for standing in her "personal space", yes, you're right - I did open the window just to annoy you. Hee.

Two words. Personal. Stereo. PERSONAL. It's kind of you to want to share your musical taste with the whole carriage, but no thanks. Really.

For the love of GOD stop texting long enough to get off the train, if you pause statuesquely at the doorway people WILL shove you and I WILL laugh.

Wear shoes you can walk in. No, really. Those little heels are ugly and you can't balance on them. You look like a cocktail onion. Stop it.

Your Oyster card does not work. Live with it. Standing blankly waving it over the reader is just going to cause the people behind you frustration. See tutting, above.

We're all trying to get home. Shoving, pushing, waiting, standing on toes _happens_. I don't mind as long as you apologize, preferably with a rueful grin.

Everyone else can fuck off.

Comments

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

Machetes, chain guns and flamethrowers.

It's the only way...

[arralethe.livejournal.com]

I just have to say...

Bloody marvellous! It gave me horrific flashbacks to my days of commuting in London...

[queenortart.livejournal.com]

Oh I am so there with you!

[itsjustaname.livejournal.com]

"at least have the grace to be foreign"

*laughs* Many's the time when I'm fumbling with suitcases or utterly failing to comprehend where I need to go that I've wished I could put on a convincing foreign accent.